07.01.06
A wife refuses to have sexual relations with her husband
Q: If a wife refuses to have sexual relations with her husband, is she being unfaithful to the marriage contract? Although I have no intention of divorcing my wife, I believe that her unwillingness to honor the marriage contract is the same as breaking the marriage contract, thus grounds for divorce.
She has no physical reason for denying the conjugal relationship. The present reason is that there are too many other things which need to be done. Over the years it has ranged from mood complaints to protesting that it wasn’t the right of the husband to demand or expect anything. She has stated that it isn’t fair to expect such things if she doesn’t feel like it.
I have tried everything. She won’t agree to counseling of any kind and any books or tapes I suggest are viewed as being pushy on my part.
Now she has discovered that her husband is battling sexual temptations and is coming down hard on him for not being mentally faithful. She exhibits a great deal of self-righteous contempt and offers up how bitter she is that he has such temptations.
Should I again state for the 1,000th time that I feel neglected, abused, trapped and bitter?
I love her and I won’t leave her. But this is not my fault. She is, in fact, responsible for my unreasonable temptations. I have two children and am a minister with a church and a wife who doesn’t see any obligations. What should I do?
I’m bitter. I’m trapped. I guess this is just my cross to bear.
I found answers to these questions at http://www.new-life.net/faq607.htm and http://www.marriageromance.com/stories/10761860838.htm
The best answer of the bunch:
A reader says … The problem is not with you but your wife. What caused it? When did it begin in her mind and spirit? Only God knows.
The fact is what do you do about it. Based on human behavior and past experience being a 95% proof of future actions, not to mention actions speak louder than words. She will probably never change.
So what are your rights?
The Bible and man-made laws are very clear. You have a right to expect, without demand, a spouse who will make love to you, and not just huff and lie there either - that is not love. The original definition of Adultery in the Greek is not just one person cheating on another, but the abandonment of the marriage bed by one spouse or the other. So you have a spouse is martially unfaithful to you.
What do you do about it? Your rights are clear what you can do with your relationship with her. Divorce, separation, confirmation - however this may not help you in every other aspect of your life. These actions could destroy your family, your children and you. “Not a very nice position to be in “a person that loved you would not put you in this position”
I like to think of your children. You may have to grin and bear it until the children are adults and are able to make their own way. How your wife is treating you does not give you the right to make a decision that will hurt the kids. You still have a commitment to them that has to be fulfilled. If you were signal then I would say file for divorce. Why? Love and passion have to come from the heart. What your not getting cannot be fixed by laws or finger shaking at someone. If you have to spell out the rules of passion to your spouse it is already too late.
Hard words, Honest words I know, but there is no point in self help seminars or poetry ect: The only thing you can do, and I would recommend it is to simply ask her to forgive you for any sins you have committed against her and to let her know that you have not intentionally done anything to harm her. This will go one of two ways for you.
1. She wills thank you and say that is what she has been waiting to here.
2. She will use this opportunity to drive the knife in deeper and use your compassion as weakness. Either way you will have your final answer “out of the mouth the heart speaks”
Be strong, there are a ton of men in this situation in this culture of North America over the last 100 years. It is a degradation of society in our culture. 1OOO years ago it what the other away around in Jewish and Roman culture, it was the men in marriages who where the majority of cold hearts in the bedroom. (Power control thing) you can’t have tyranny and love existing at the same time.
What ever you do, do what it takes to make sure your children come out the winners. ADD (Attention Dad Disorder)
Nasty people do nasty things, because of who they are, not who you are.
My analysis:
People are too much enthralled in this sex equals love paradigm. Wife may not want to bear more children, that is why she wants no sex. Wife may now be infertile — either old or sick and thus has no desire for any sex.
This is a very important reason why polygamy should be allowed. People in Islam and Fundamentalist LDS solve these problems by bringing another wife into the family.
And what of the pro-monogamist stance? They are blind to the fact that their monogamist solution to these problems is: divorce — destruction of families, prostitution, mistressing, the tolerance of rampant fornication, and the acceptance of contraception.
